Merchandise (aka merch) is one of the most important ways for bands to make money, and for fans to rep their favorite musicians. But is your band’s copycat Thrasher hoodie really that cute? (Hint: Probably not.)
I put out the call for bands and artists who would let me rag on their ratty t-shirts and odd item selections, and three brave souls volunteered for my merch roast!
At Most Fear
A Long Island-based metalcore band, At Most Fear combines a wide range of influences and genres to create head-turning, electric music. They released their debut album, Wicked, in June 2018, and a music video for their single, “Amber Alert” and a new album are due in 2020. At Most Fear’s fierce combination of steampunk, modern hard rock, and metalcore makes them utterly unique, but does their merch stand up to their brand?
“Mugshot” Mug
Ahhh, the sweet, sweet burn of masculinity. There are so many shots I could take at this mug, I don’t even know where to start.
Perfect for metalheads who just can’t seem to exude enough testosterone, this Hemingway-approved mug is sure to make you more of a man. Bring this baby into the pit and you’re guaranteed to leave your bare-chested, straight edge peers weak with envy!
Personally, I think I’ll stick to tea.
Learn more about At Most Fear:
Facebook
Instagram
Twitter
Website
Marliii
Marliii, otherwise known as Marli Delaney, is a multi-instrumentalist, songwriter, vocalist, producer, and DJ from New York. Despite the internal and external obstacles that challenged her direction for many years, music has always been Marliii’s main purpose in life. Marliii began sharing her music in the underground scene when she was in middle school. By the time she turned fifteen, Marliii had written and recorded music in various NYC studios, toured the northeast, performed at her dream music festival (Bamboozle), and showcased for multiple record labels.
After a 7-year hiatus from music to focus on her high school and college education, Marliii found herself struggling deeply with mental illness before having her third “i” moment. When she realized her mission would always be to create for the world around her, Marliii knew it wasn’t too late to take her music to the next level. Drawing from her own experiences, Marliii incorporates the complexities of emotions and turning points into her songwriting and production, utilizing her diverse background of jazz, folk, blues, and EDM to share her story in a distinctive light, inspiring her fans to never give up on themselves. But will they give up on her merch?!
Marliii Fanny Pack & Face Mask
It’s hard enough to tell who’s who while wearing masks, so why not throw a name into the equation to confuse acquaintances even more? if you’re looking to hide behind your hippie alter-ego, this is the mask for you. You’re guaranteed to be called Marliii by deli workers, cat-callers, and maybe even your mom.
Alternatively, just stay home.
If that’s not an option for you, why not add a fanny pack to complete the outfit? Comes with all the essentials: airpods to block out the haterz, a camera to snap cute selfies, and leaves to hide in when the world just feels like too much.
Connect with Marliii:
Facebook
Instagram
Twitter
Website
Kyle Jordan
Long-island based alt-pop singer-songwriter Kyle Jordan began his career in Boston, Massachusetts playing at bars, clubs, and festivals. After his move back into the New York music scene, he began performing around Manhattan, Broonlyn, and Long Island at venues like The Bitter End and Rockwood Music Hall. Kyle Jordan’s influences include John Mayer, Harry Styles, Ed Sheeran, Blackbear, and Billie Eilish. His debut EP, Lost, illustrates the conflicting nature of modern love. The true question is this: Will fans be able to fall in love with his merch, or will they be too conflicted?
Lost Merch Line
Do you ever feel like your look just isn’t emo enough? Nothing is more appropriately soul-crushing than a white 🙁 face on a black background! Dressed head-to-toe in black with a 🙁 shirt and hat, everyone you meet is sure to know that you’re a sad boi, girl, or person. (As if the Elvis Depressedly track booming from your headphones wasn’t clue enough.)
Get to know Kyle Jordan:
Facebook
Instagram
Twitter
Website
If you enjoyed my merch roast, you might also like Doc Martens Support Group for Real Punks (Episode 1) and Doc Martens Support Group for Real Punks (Episode 2)!
